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Saturn Return


Saturn Return: Whispers from the TimeKeeper

This is the 5th article in my newest series, Saturn Return. These posts are from amazing souls who have gone through theirs (or are still in their Saturn Return) and are sharing their stories to help us prepare and reflect on the powerful effects the planet Saturn has on our lives. What is your Saturn Return? This is the best explanation I have found.

KV from Aquarius Nation also made this amazing free episode about the Saturn Return on her Earth Walk Podcast. So so powerful!

So grab a cup of coffee or tea and stay awhile. Let your soul be immersed in these stories and learn what you need hear.

::Tara Villeneuve::

Natal Saturn - 6th House (Work, Health and Service)

PS: My Natal Saturn is also at 6 Degrees so Health and Service are spotlighted even 
more and Relationships are added to the mix as well! 


Before we dive into the fertile deep of deliciousness that is the Saturn Return, 
thereʼs something you should know about me.....

Interpreting the messages within the Stars and Planets through Numbers, IS what my 
soul came here to do. Iʼm literally obsessed with all things ʻCosmicʼ and nothing LIGHTS 
ME UP more than guiding a woman to and through her sacred personal cycles! 

The things is, when it comes to exploring the vast plains of potential and experience for 
myself, well, letʼs just say itʼs not something I excel at! Because once I get too deep, 
which in comparison to what I do for others is mere inches below the surface, the 
blinders come up, skewing my vision. But, I digress....

You see, as a Capricorn, Saturn is the ʻrulingʼ planet of my sign, and thus, one of my 
ʻmainʼ sources of Cosmic Medicine. 

In fact, much of my life has had a strong Saturn Return flavor to it. Hell the fact that 
Iʼm even writing to you at all, and about a topic such as this no less, is the very work of 
Saturn himself. 

But hereʼs the thing: Saturn Returns get an awfully bad rap. 

Just surf around online and within minutes you can find more horror stories than Steven 
King himself can shake a stick at. And for good reason since one of THE biggest 
reasons why the ʻSaturn Return can, and often is so damn turbulent is because we 
NEVER see it coming! 

Itʼs like weʼre confidently strutting along our path toward independence one minute, and 
feeling quite INCREDIBLE I might add, and then like lightening collide with the rocky 
terrain below - all the while hitting every possible branch on the way down. 

Now why is that? Well, in addition to the invincible and all-knowing mentality of many 20 
somethingʼs, the unfortunate truth is that VERY few people are even aware of the 
Saturn Return and the impact it has to shape your life, let alone when theirs will occur. 
And even less (as in pretty much no one) receives personal insight and support on how 
to ʻprepareʼ for it ahead of time and use it to their advantage! 

But, in our defense, I will point out that NO ONE TALKS ABOUT THE GREAT 
DESCENT!! And Iʼm not talking about the year of although thatʼs better than nothing. 
And so....... we miss the signs. 

Only to ʻwakeʼ and find ourselves standing (if weʼre lucky) in the cindering rubble of what 
once was. Our 20ʻs gone. Mind, Body and Spirit stripped bare....leaving us raw, in real 
time, for the rest of the world to see, and not knowing why. 

Now what I know for sure is that itʼs time to generate a new flow of experience, 
communication and community around this pivotal juncture that is the First 
Saturn Return.

And so my intention in connecting with you here today, soul to soul, and sharing my 
story, is to inspire a collective spark by shinning the brightest light I can on this transient 
cycle of initiation and becoming. 

The Reflection and the Remembering

For the last 8 months (6 of which were an internal uproarious mess) Iʼve been leaning 
into the furrow of my first Saturn Return.

When Iʼm fortunate enough to find some solitude (which can be tricky with a toddler and 
a business) I can reflect upon this time and realize how it has felt like a great awakening 
from an insensible dream as Iʼve ebbed and flowed between deep and shallow sleep. 
The sweet spot where just as my senses become akin to the sounds of the birds, the 
warmth of the sun, the gentleness of my breath and the rise and fall of my chest; my 
intuition hits like lightening, and I can hear the ticking in my soul.....

Sometimes I dance to its incessant, yet reassuring beat that reminds me Iʼm still alive. 
While others I run rampant on the brink of what feels like my sanity being ripped away. 
Now Iʼll be the first to admit I didnʼt see it creeping up on me, because it wasnʼt long into 
my 28th year before my life became cloaked in discontent, my digestive health started 
to relapse, and I began to question everything as so many conflicting thoughts intruded 
upon my dream space. 

Things that only yesterday energized me, now left me feeling restless as an untraceable 
emptiness came over me and a stinging resentment toward everything began to fill me 
up. (And I felt guilty about every. single. one.)

Then, I remembered.......this has happened before!!! 

It was the summer of 2007 to winter 2008. I was 21. 

And while I had NO CLUE at the time, Saturn (which was squaring my natal Saturn) 
was pulling at me, urging me to wake up, to re-structure, and start creating a life of 
meaning! Humbling me. Preparing me for his Return. 

Hereʼs a snapshot of what went down that year: 
• I graduated college and landed an awesome J.O.B in the fashion industry. Traveling 
swiftly upward upon the path I was certain Iʼd be on forever. 
• Then, I began to despise said job with no clue as to why, other than I wanted to truly 
help people, and without the slightest inclination of how I was going to do that. I 
eventually ended up leaving, only to experience the same shit but in a few different 
piles before I began to get serious and take a really hard look at myself. 
• During that time hopping around my comfort zone, my body was quickly overcome 
with dis-ease (IBS) that eventually threw me into a slippery depressive slope. 
• My 5 year relationship with my boyfriend went off the rails. Crashed and burned like a 
hollywood blockbuster, and I moved back in with my parents (3 hours away from 
where I made a life for myself) while I found my own apartment. And my 

All the bases - work, service, health and relationships were covered. And while there is 
much more to that part of the story, it was a profound year of soul growth that I never 
thought Iʼd make it through! Really, if I didnʼt now know your return happened around 
28/29 I would have swore to you that was it!

Now even though everything turned out fabulously over the next few years, having to go 
back ʻthereʼ, to really remember how I got there and live it all over again second hand, 
was painful as I cringed in the shadow of illusive possibility that ʻthisʼ could all very well 
happen again. 

So I let myself spiral for a time. In silence. Contemplating every possible negative 
scenario I could imagine, and what I was going to do if it happened. It was a dark wave I 
had to let ride, until I came face to face with my fear. 

The fear I allowed to dictate my actions for as long as I can remember. The fear that 
made me rigid. That made that year so agonizing because I didnʼt yet know and 
understand the importance of learning and personal growth . 

The fear I KNEW I had to transmute to become my fuel.

Tara Cosmic 2.jpg

Entering the Descent

Time Warp to November 2015 - the month my Saturn Return will reach itʼs peak 
intensity. (3 months before my 30th birthday) 

I know I will be nearing the end of a numerological cycle where change is all thatʼs being 
served. Where the cyclical breakdown of unhealthy material attachments will be 
transmuted - and at lightening speed. The kind of terrain where intuition is all you have 
to go on because everything else is in a state of flux. Thankfully ALL will be in the name 
of freedom, soul expression and invigorating adventure! 

I also know that my awareness of my Destiny, as well as my sense of self, particularly in 
relation to my work and relationships, will be significant themes. (This is about as deep 
as I get before the blinders appear and skew my vision) 

Now itʼs only because of this foreknowledge that I can really laser in on my current 
experiences with future eyes and enter the flow of my Saturn Return consciously! 
Otherwise, Iʼd likely be flying semi-blind, building walls and playing life on the too safe 
side. (My default setting)

Itʼs whatʼs giving me the confidence to step outside my comfort zone now, rather than 
being pushed later. (That way, Saturn can focus on lifting me up, rather than helping me 
get sorted out and take myself and the impact Iʼm here to make more seriously!) 
Because if you only take ONE THING from this post (if youʼre still reading, which I 
sincerely hope you are) itʼs that Saturn ALWAYS sends messages ahead of time. 
And that the main reason why things can get so challenging during this pivotal 
turning point in your life is because Saturn REFUSES to leave you behind!! 

So itʼs ok to stop pushing back, and let life sweep you off your feet and do the heavy 
lifting for a time because it ripens you to receive one of the most invaluable gifts that 
Saturn can give, in that he strives to help you craft a foundational mold for your desires 
to take form and thus bring significant meaning to your life!!! (Because when we get 
really honest with ourselves, as it pertains to us personally and not getting our path or 
cycles crossed with someone elseʼ, Saturn Return never upends anything that we know, 
somewhere deep inside ourselves, wasnʼt truly ready to be elevated or released.) 

So whenever you begin to feel discontent, where that heavy kind of emptiness 
starts to seep in and suffocate your Saturn speaking!

Telling you that thereʼs MORE to life beyond the walls you continue to run into. That the 
land beyond your current edge is fertile! And that a new flow is emerging that WILL take 
you there, giving you the materials required to forge your path, step by step by step. 

This, is how he spoke to me.....

The Tightening: Messages from the Timekeeper

The best way I know to describe the decent into the Saturn Return Cycle is like a 
tightening thatʼs directing your focus, precious energy and resources in a very specific 
and purposeful way - ripening you to expand and really, to have a breakthrough!
Now even though my Return is over a year from now, there is a plethora of insight you 
can glean about your own life, from where I am. Because we all feel the aura of 
Saturn Return LONG before he comes, and LONG after he goes. And the fact that in 
my case, this intense surge of Saturnʼs Cosmic Medicine will only last 1 month, is also 
the case for MANY more people than you think! 

Which is why Iʼm writing to you from the edge, so that you may come to know, as I have 
come to know, the nature of Saturnʼs whisperous caress upon your life path. Because 
like I said before, no one talks about the great descent into the heart of Saturnʼs Return.
So here are a few of the more ʻshareableʼ whisperʼs Iʼve been receiving and following 
religiously - borderline stalking even - that will culminate over the next 15 months and 
spill over into the next chapter of my adult life creating a potentially thriving flow of 

1) While it was scary as hell when it happened, and Iʼm still emerging from the shadows 
as you read this, in June of this year I was completely disconnected from my work. 
And this was something that literally came out of nowhere! I didnʼt want to write 
anything - which is the heart of how I serve - and literally nothing was flowing anyway. 
Not even the sounds of crickets. Many times I thought of quitting, some of which I 
honestly believed Iʼd be ok if I did. So after 2 weeks of being pissy, forcing out what I 
could and missing a few deadlines, I asked myself what I wanted. During that self 
inquiry, one of my biggest wishes that I acknowledged was the genuine desire to be 
pulled by a continuous flow of inspiration, and let go of pushing my way everywhere I 
got. And Saturn is one of the biggest forces of influence in helping me create that 
new level of divine flow. But first, I had to get seriously real with myself about the 
current flow I was tolerating through my day to day choices. There was a lot of tough 
love, and a few F-Bombs, but it had to happen if I was going to let go of the reigns 
and allow my business to support me! And so the more form I create in my business, 
the more fluidly Saturnʼs Medicine can guide me to bring structure (the high def kind) 
to the creative ideas I intuitively receive, and make plans around the new goals that 
surface. Which, up until now, were lucky if I wrote them down let alone put them into 

2) This one, is by far the hardest for me. Saturn seeks to bring deeper meaning to your 
life, and while it seems out of context (because Saturn is so damn serious) as part of 
that healthy foundation that Saturn is a proponent of, I have been pushed to learn to 
PLAY a hell of a lot more! To loosen the reins, and extend my range of potential for 
joy because right now, Iʼm much more comfortable when Iʼm working than when Iʼm 
playing. In fact, itʼs during play that Iʼm THE MOST outside my comfort zone. So weʼll 
see how this one plays out. (In truth, Iʼm still resisting this one on more levels than I 
knew I had!) 

3) Out of all the guidance Iʼve received thus far, and given that my Saturn Return is 
really working my relationships, this one, is the one I give the most power in terms of 
literally derailing me......again. You see that boyfriend with whom I epically crashed 
and burned with, well, weʼve been together 12 years now (engaged for 5) and have a 
beautiful little goddess of an earth daughter together. Now for the first half of this 
year, it looked as if we were flying off the tracks, again! We fought EVERY New and 
Full Moon - Full Moons being the nastiest as waves of resentment that had festered 
into rage brought out the beast in me. Triggering me more than Iʼd ever been by 
someone by reflecting all the ways I wasnʼt honoring and taking care of myself, and 
all the places I wasnʼt speaking up. If I hadnʼt gotten help, we would have derailed. 
But instead, I was supported to use this celestial force the way it was intended to be 
used, and am now building a stronger foundation that will be borne of a completely 
new attitude towards romance, intimacy and relationship, and in learning how to be a 
lover as opposed to just a partner. 

My top 3 tips on how to ʻprepareʼ for your First Saturn Return

Saturn Return is not seeking to ʻpunish or controlʼ you, but merely to hold seminal space 
for you to receive answers to your current and most relentlessly pressing questions by 
helping you cement the wisdom youʼve gleaned, or need to, through practical learning. 
He does this by presenting you with the exact obstacles you need to grow into deeper 
safety and security of who you REALLY are, and are meant to be, by reviewing and 
renewing that structures imposed upon you by others that hinder that expression. 
So here are my top 3 tips for preparing, and sailing through your first Saturn Return with 
grace and your integrity and sanity intact! 

1) Donʼt let your fear get the best of you! Fear breeds rigidness, frustration and 
confusion which leads to recklessness. More importantly, rigidness, when harbored 
for too long, builds a wall that when itʼs time to co-create with Saturn and receive its 
Cosmic Medicine, will require significantly more force to penetrate, making an 
experience that can be VERY rewarding, more devastating than it needs to be.

2) Pay attention to when Saturn goes Retrograde and leverage it! This happens 
once a year (for about 4-5 months at a time) and is an opportune period to really tune 
into where youʼre not being realistic in how you show up for your life, the issues 
youʼve been avoiding, and where more discipline, structure, fortitude and inner 
strength needs to be cultivated. (Itʼs about taking a breather as the rhythm of life 
slows down so that you can assess your current reality and get serious about whatʼs 
really going on beneath the surface without the pressure of life moving at warp 

3) Get a reading! Astrological Charts are as unique as fingerprints! Theyʼre truly one of 
a kind. So! Find an astrologer whoʼs message and tone of expression resonate with 
you and book yourself a session. Not only will they be able to tell you when and in 
what life areas your Saturn Return will be spotlighting, but they should also be able to 
give you some practical action steps to take to ensure your experience is as graceful 
as possible. (Truly, the more support you have, regardless of the modality, the better!) 
Because when you know what areas Saturn is working, then youʼll know what to 
listen for ~ And the language of the Timekeeper will be revealed to you. 


Tara Villeneuve is an Astro-Numerologist, Coach and Founder of Cosmic Soul Medicine:: a starry oasis for highly sensitive souls to rekindle their romance with their sacred personal cycles, and re-wild their cosmic soul. 







Facebook: Freedom Creation Coaching

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Saturn Blessings,

Marissa Moondaughter

moon my compass // intuition my voice // crystals my companions

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Saturn Return: Knee Deep in the Muck

This is the 4th article in my newest series, Saturn Return. These posts are from amazing souls who have gone through theirs (or are still in their Saturn Return) and are sharing their stories to help us prepare and reflect on the powerful effects the planet Saturn has on our lives. What is your Saturn Return? This is the best explanation I have found.

::Lulu Brud::

Ah yes. The return of Saturn. I always said it wouldn't happen to me. I watched my friends all go through it, and I just knew that I had already done this work, figured this stuff out. I would be the first one who had outsmarted Saturn! 

But there I was, half-way through my 26th spin around the sun and I began to feel the growing pains. I'm a Scorpio Sun with a Saturn in Scorpio as well, needless to say it's a bit charged.

Since I'm still in it, it is hard to have much perspective on it, all I can offer is what it feels like in this moment, still knee deep in the muck. 

I started off the return party with a BANG! I wildly left my job where I had been working for 3 years and believed that something more in alignment would catch me...and it did--eventually--I just had to fall for a bit.  This brave jump led me into a downward spiral from which I am only just beginning to recover. My body broke down--I was in and out of sickness for a year. I found myself to be more broke than I'd ever been in my life, which is saying a lot, considering I'd moved out on my own when I was 19 and things had never been all that prosperous. I took jobs that I knew weren't going to make me happy and quit them for that very reason, only to get the same job in a different costume a week later.

Apparently I was a glutton for punishment. In an effort to save money, my boyfriend and I moved out of our small house with a beautiful garden into a tiny apartment  in a terrible part of town. My once beautiful vegetable gardens were replaced by trash and spray paint. It broke my heart daily.  I could hear myself talking most days and it's as if my reactions were (sometimes still are) spasms and regurgitations of old programming throughout my lifetime. The difference between when this all began and where I am now is that now I can actually identify when it's happening, take a breath, apologize and try to say it again.

My catch phrase became, "eh, what's the point?" Not in a depressing, I'm going to end it all kind of way, but in a "what is it that I'm really doing here...what is this all for anyway?" kind of way. I cried most certainly every day. Most times inexplicably. I am talking gut-wrenching sobs, the kind where your insides hurt and your outsides are all blurry.  

I stopped recognizing my reflection in the mirror--I was a light, I was happy--but it was no where to be found in my reflection in the mirror.  

I often contemplated giving up everything I have been working for the past 9 years and moving to a house off the grid and away from everything. Sometimes this feeling still bubbles up, since I am still dealing with Saturn's Reaper, it's hard to say if this isn't just a true element of mine that is beginning to get whittled out of the woodwork or if it is just a dramatic reaction to the things I am experiencing daily. 

This really isn't to say that these past few years have been all bad, because they most certainly haven't. There's definitely been spots of sunshine in the middle of all of the storms. I got married to my best friend in November of last year.  I am fortunate enough to have a partner who is beyond this time in his life. He patiently sits while I have my tantrums, and helps guide me to my more authentic answers and responses.

I am learning. It is slow going, but every day I am closer to being on the other side of this.

It's similar to having growth spurts as a kid....feeling that deep ache in your bones. But then somehow, one day it's over you can stand taller, more grounded, stronger and more authentically in your skin (and you can finally fit into those awesome big-girl pants you've been hanging onto). From my wedding an unexpected business opened up for my art, we moved out of the ghetto and into a beautiful apartment back near nature.  The friendships that survived this storm have deepened and blossomed into a beautiful tribe.  

In October I will be 29 and I'm looking forward to the last lessons this little planet has in store for me...

Lulu Brud - Saturn Return Story

Lulu Brud is an actress, storyteller and weaver of dreams. She finds inspiration for her work in the sacred geometry of nature, and the powers steeped deep within all the elemental things that nature offers us- from the lunar cycle, to feathers, crystals, and beyond.  She is married to a sweet Wildthing who reminds her constantly that all things good are wild and free. She believes in magic and howling at the moon, the freedom of a sweaty dance party, and the power of good glass of whiskey.


Lulu's links:

Lady Lu of the Wolves


More in the Series

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Saturn Blessings,

Marissa Moondaughter

moon my compass // intuition my voice // crystals my companions

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Saturn Return: Into the Deep, Dark, & Emerge into Light

This is the 3rd article in my newest series, Saturn Return. These posts are from amazing souls who have gone through theirs and are sharing their stories to help us prepare and reflect on the powerful effects the planet Saturn has on our lives. What is your Saturn Return? This is the best explanation I have found.

::Makenna Johnston::

They say that a saturn return can ravage your soul.  Leave you sweating and cursing the planets for the better part of 10 months.  The growth, the shaking, the upheaval.  It can all be quite heavy or it can set you free.  

You see, Saturn is a trickster of a mister when he returns–a multi-edged energy.  For some, he destroys.  For others, he illuminates.  He is the energy that says 'act. act now.  don't delay. time is ticking'.   Culling away the chafe from what glows.  Shining a bright light on the 'what needs to change right now'.  

Saturn.  A bridge to adulthood.  A bridge to the 'what is to come'.  The ruler of the harvest. The reaper of truth.  


In college, I spent much of my time in a small herbal shop, sifting detritus from the deliciously scented plants from the woods.  Hours spent decanting blossoms into jars, staring into the herbs as if they were soothsayers to my future.  

The owner, a young man nearly 30, was knee deep in his moment of reckoning, that foray into adulthood, the trickster was returning.  And to say it showed, might very well have been an understatement.  He strained against the financial responsibilities of an endeavor like an herbal apothecary.  He worked, he sowed, he toiled, and with little avail.  

One of his dear friends, a naturopath, was often in the store saying that 'this too shall pass' but ever so unfondly recalling her own relationship with Saturn.  The lost loves, the failed marriage, the depression.  

At the tender age of 20, I figured if I ignored it, it wouldn't happen.  Nothing could control me if I didn't give it the power to control me.  I wouldn't be one of those buckled by the strength of his pull.  No ma'am.  No sir.  

Saturn would not rule me, I said.  My Saturn Return will happen without incident, I said.  Saturn and I will be friends. 


January 2014.  My wife and I received word that there was a good chance we'd be without employment come September.  I panic.  

February 2014.  My grandmother, whom I hadn't spent enough time with, falls mysteriously ill.  Sending me into a tizzy of a quickly purchased plane ticket, and week long vigil in the ICU.  

March-April 2014.  My grandmother is in and out of the hospital.  My business teters uncertainly between blossoming and folding.  Each moment leads to another question.

My health wanes.  Lymph nodes swell.  Doctors cry 'lymphoma', recurrent 'melanoma'.  All resolves as a virus. 

My wife and I argue about the future.  

May 2014.  A friend reminds me that 'perhaps it is just Saturn?' when I remark about the difficult year.  I snap back 'Saturn has nothing on me'.  

Summer 2014.  I move with my grandmother to her summer home that has been in the family since 1940.  

My business expands, the weight seems immense.  I enter overwhelm.  I recover.  

Ms. Marissa asks for story-tellers of their Saturn Return journeys and it hits me. I reluctantly look up the dates.  Lo & behold:  January-October 2014

I suppose I couldn't avoid Saturn after all.  


I find myself in awe these days.  That hiding from fate/psychic energy/the inevitable is all for naught. Color me unsurprised, I suppose.  But there is something to be said about believing you can control everything.  That somehow you'll be the one who doesn't feel the mighty blow of Saturn's karmic wrath.  

And yes, here I am.  In harvest.  A daily threshing.  Watching what I've sown and relishing in the fruits of my labor.  

And often, I cry tears of joy.  For what I've sown over my life is bearing fruit.  
My marriage is deepening (even amid distance).  
My business is expanding (for which I cry grateful tears).
My friendships shifting.  Out with the tired, unloved.  All for the best.  Others, they grow deeper into one another, as if we speak the same language. 
I meditate, breathing in peace.  I connect, breathing out love.
I buckle down, knowing that yes indeed, 'this too shall pass' and all shall be as it is meant to be.  

So today, I choose to shine.  
So I do.
So too will you.  

Makenna Johnston - Saturn Return

Makenna Johnston is business coach and life strategist at  A reluctant but passionate lover of all things 'woo woo', she finds beauty in the woods and deep solace in the water. 

More in the Series

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Saturn Blessings,

Marissa Moondaughter

moon my compass // intuition my voice // crystals my companions

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Saturn Return: Returning to Me

This is the 2nd article in my newest series, Saturn Return. These posts are from amazing souls who have gone through theirs and are sharing their stories to help us prepare and reflect on the powerful effects the planet Saturn has on our lives. What is your Saturn Return? This is the best explanation I have found.

::Katie Elderkin::

House of Saturn: 1st House

First before I go into my story, I just want to say that when I was in my Saturn Return, I had never heard of the term Saturn Return, had no clue what was happening to me and was just very unaware in general. So I just want you to know that if you are reading this and are approaching your Saturn Return, or in the midst of it, you are so many steps ahead! Just having that wisdom will be of some comfort in a very confusing time. Also, its temporary....whew!!!

Ok, I'm going to give a little background so hopefully this will paint a better picture. All of my life I have been a "not rock the boat" type of person. I always wanted everyone to be happy and never wanted to be a burden to anyone. So often, I stuffed my feelings away and put on a smile. I grew up in a very tumultuous home and I just wanted to be the easy one in the family, the one that never had any problems and just stayed under the radar. This type of coping mechanism proved to be very effective in keeping myself calm because I could stay out of the line of fire when things got hectic in my household. There was alcoholism, a lot of angry fighting, drug problems and just an all around tense vibe. Everyone was always upset with each other but I learned to stay on my parents good side by never causing trouble, staying quiet and being agreeable always. Needless to say, as a young adult, I had no clue who I was. 

Things started to calm down and sober up in my family when I was around 11 which was a relief. But I had a confusing road ahead of me to figure out who I was and to feel my feelings. Fast forward to age 25. I decided to move to Florida from Michigan with my boyfriend at the time. Around this time, I had started to feel like he probably wasn't the one for me. I started to have this new desire to have a deep, meaningful connection with my significant other. Also around this time, I was getting into spiritual literature and searching for the meaning of life and how to feel more fulfilled. I started to contemplate breaking it off with my boyfriend but was terrified to do so. I began to pray constantly about it. "Dear God, please show me what to do. If I am to break up with him, please give me the strength to do it. Please show me what to do."  It was a Saturday afternoon and my mom called me and was asking me when we were getting married. I said, "Mom, I doubt we are getting married, he is not right for me." I got off the phone with her and went to get my hair trimmed. I pull into the strip mall and go into the Great Clips. I sit down in the waiting area and hear a male hair dresser talking to his client about football and other "guy stuff". He finishes up with him and calls me over to his chair. "Ok what are we doing today?", he asks. "Just about a half inch off please."

These is the only words I said to this man before he just started relaying messages to me from angels.

I have no idea how he knew I would be open to hearing what he had to say. He started by basically explaining me as a person and my personality to a tee. And it was all just hitting home and I started to tear up a little. It was everything I wanted to be recognized as but felt no one could see me. It all happened so fast and I was so moved that I didn't even speak, I was stunned. Lu was his name. He was Native American and had a picture of his dad on his mirror in full Native American attire, headdress and all. He told me his dad was a medicine man and he had taught him how to communicate with spirit. I could see Lu in the mirror, standing behind me, looking like he was listening to someone and then relaying a message to me. He then says, "So you've been thinking about marriage huh?" I said, "Yeah, how did you know?" He said, "I know you talked to your mom today about it. I just want to say this: Not with this one. He doesn't see you. He doesn't know who you are and can't appreciate you. You will meet someone who truly sees you, who truly knows you and appreciates you but it's not this one." I was pretty much bawling my eyes out at this point. Who has an impromptu reading with angels at Great Clips of all places?! Well after that my boyfriend and I got into (another) fight and I broke it off with him right then and there, with confidence and never looked back. Since the reading, I had no fear of breaking it off. I felt like I was on cloud 9. There is someone looking out for me! I am so connected to spirit, the universe, god, whatever! I felt invincible! I remember feeling like nothing could knock me from my spiritual high.

Well that didn't last long as my Saturn Return was right around the corner.

Now I am about 26 and living in Florida all by myself. The world is my oyster! How exciting! And terrifying! I was really excited to start dating. I felt so positive and that this person who would really see me was ready to meet me and I was happy to go out and find him. Well, let me tell you..... not the case! But I found a lot of other characters to date. My friends loved hearing my dating horror stories, especially the guy who snorted cocaine right in front of me the first time we hung out. Without going into detail, I started to feel my spiritual bubble burst and I was starting to feel shaky and afraid. Nothing was turning out how I expected and I felt like I had no power to change it. I started to eat to fill this lonely void I had. I gained 20 lbs in a very short time and I literally could not stop myself from eating. If I could have made myself throw up, I would have. I tried! I felt so out of control and did not understand what was happening to me or why I couldn't stop. I had never had any sort of eating disorder before this. Of course I didn't tell anyone and just hoped it would end. I ended up meeting a guy who was normal enough and had enough things in the categories I was looking for so why not just fall into a relationship with him? I was sick of being alone at this point. A year plus of dating duds was enough for me. Meeting him periodically soothed my lonely heart and my eating returned to normal. However, I still had not learned who I was and was unconsciously trying to find someone to complete me, make me feel safe and love me. I tried to force this relationship so hard core. I even tried to convince him to buy a house with me (in hopes we'd end up getting married). Thankfully that fell through. I tried to make this person love me more than he did. I tried to get that deep connection that I desperately wanted from him but he wasn't open for it. I didn't understand it and I felt so rejected. Constantly. I didn't stop trying though and we kept fighting and I kept feeling alone. One night after feeling completely emotionally rejected by him, we laid in bed together and he fell asleep within minutes. I remember laying there, feeling SO alone while laying next to someone that supposedly loved me. I couldn't understand why he didn't love me how I wanted and why I couldn't get this deep feeling of love and connection I so desperately wanted. I felt I had no control over my life. I started to feel so much fear. It consumed my body. My hands were sweating, my heart pounding, my body tingling, my breathing getting faster. I couldn't make it stop. I woke him up and told him I thought I was having a panic attack. He told me he had to get up early for work and maybe I should just try to take some deep breaths and he rolled over. That rejection stabbed through my heart with such intensity.  Why doesn't he care about me? I am all alone! No one can help me. I'm doomed. All of these emotions were flooding in. I felt so lost. 

After that night, I started to have panic attacks more frequently. Mostly at night when I would try to sleep. I had never experienced insomnia before this time in my life. It was terrifying. My heart felt like it was going to burst, I wanted to jump out of my own skin. I was so ashamed of myself for having this problem. I didn't tell anyone about it. Everyone viewed me as the calm person, the one who never worried, the one who always had the advice, someone who was logical and relaxed. I couldn't even tell my mom or my best friend who I had panic attacks next to but was too embarrassed to ask for help. I was always trying to hide my feelings and was still doing it. I let it go too long and it just got worse. It was getting hard to cope anymore, I felt like a walking electrical current. Not knowing where else to go, I went to my physician who put me on medication. This made my anxiety worse because how could I of all people go on medication?! I was the one who never had any problems! How could this be happening to me? Now I couldn't eat and was losing weight at a very fast pace. My pants literally hung off my body. I was even more embarrassed and ashamed. People were constantly asking me if I was ok and why am I suddenly so frail. I decided to get therapy to try to understand this. After trying out a few therapists, I found an amazing woman who changed my life.

She let me know I was not crazy and nothing was wrong with me but my body was trying to tell me something. I had been ignoring myself, my needs, my inner life and going outward constantly, trying to get love, validation, safety, etc from someone other than myself.

She was very spiritual and introduced me to so many tools to cope with my anxiety and to better understand myself. We went through my childhood, healing my inner child, working with my relationship with my parents. I started to understand why all of these things were happening in my life and this was a big relief. To have reasons and to know that I do have the power to make changes was such a soothing idea. I was determined to understand this and in turn, understand myself. It was one of the biggest blessings in disguise. 

After some time, I went off the medication. I went to therapy for about 4 or 5 years with her and also got into meditation groups, yoga, womens groups, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, etc. I was opened up to a whole new world of healing modalities. I went from feeling out of control, like there was no one or no thing that could help me, to having all this new knowledge and wisdom. I felt powerful being able to say all of my deepest and darkest fears out loud and to be heard and reassured. I learned that my feelings ARE important and that I don't have to hide them to be loved or to not be abandoned. I learned that even if I am "abandoned", I know who I am now and I trust in myself to take care of myself. I now FEEL things and intensely! So that is the good and the bad and I wouldn't have it any other way. Life is much richer, deeper and meaningful after going through that. It woke me up and got me in touch with me! And most importantly, I formed a relationship with myself. I now love my light side and my shadow side. I love myself for going on that journey and this journey continues on. The lists of things that changed and evolved after my Saturn Return is so long. My inner life is so much healthier, stronger and happier than before. I still deal with anxiety a little but not in that lost, terrified way anymore. And I'm not ashamed of it anymore. I am actually proud of it in a way because it is what woke me up and I'm happy to be awake and no longer unaware of my true self. I was asleep at the wheel before my Saturn Return and now, almost 10 years later, it just keeps getting better.

If there was something I would have wanted to know going into my Saturn Return, it would be that there is a purpose to the pain, the confusion and the madness of a Saturn Return.

Have faith that you will come out of it more enlightened, stronger and wise! It will all be worth it and will make sense some day. And that it is normal and common to go through dark and confusing times around this age. Do not be ashamed of your shadow, all it needs is your unconditional love and your attention. Love the shit out of yourself, all of your flaws, fears, fuck ups, mistakes, insecurities, not good enough's, all of it. Love it, don't hide it and be proud of all of it. No matter what. That is what will make you whole. I would encourage going to groups, getting a spiritual advisor, using EFT, getting acupuncture, body work, energy work (a practitioner or Donna Edens books), breathing techniques, yoga, Chinese herbs or supplements, massage, eating well, listening to your inner being, loving your inner being, the light and the dark, there really are so many healing modalities out there! Just being able to share your story and your feelings and find others going through similar things is very helpful. Do anything to help sooth yourself and make yourself feel loved during this rocky road. It really is worth the ride!  

P.S. I did eventually find the guy who really does see me and value me and we have that deep connection like I have always wanted. But I had to find it in myself first. The universe didn't let me skip that step! It was definitely worth the work to get here and the wait! 

Katie Elderkin // Star Native


More in the Series

1. The Shake Down

Saturn Blessings,

Marissa Moondaughter

moon my compass // intuition my voice // crystals my companions

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