The Ebb & the Flow: My Re-birthing Story
Dear Moon Beams,
It has been a long minute since I have blogged on my website. Well, 2 years. And so much can and has changed in these past 2 years, well more like 4 years… I still honestly can’t articulate everything into words, and maybe, I am not supposed to.
But what I do know is, is that I want to share again. I want to find my voice again. I am finding my voice again. I want to spread magick and love and abundance and more magick. I am spreading magick, love and abundance!
Before we really dive in please be aware that there are images of my placenta below. It is all a part of my journey and I am feeling called to share them. Thank you for understanding.
So this is my story of ebb and flow, my moonifesto, of how I am finding my voice once again. Honoring each phase that has led me to here. How I stopped resisting and surrendered to the currents guiding me. These card’s from the Moonchild Tarot tell my story so beautifully.
The High Priestess
Over the past 3-4 years my life has changed in so many ways. I started my High Priestess training through the Awakening Avalon Lineage taught by Holly Rhiannon in the summer of 2015 and connected to the Goddess, Great Spirit, my own Spirit, my Inner Priestess in ways I still cannot articulate. It is a journey that runs deep in the caverns of my heart, that I will treasure forever. Maybe I will share more one day when I find the words. I was initiated as a High Priestess in the Summer of 2018, with a full moon pregnant belly. I crossed the threshold. There was no going back.
Metamorphosis after metamorphosis happened and I began to create my lunar oracle deck with Rachael Caringella of Treetalker Art in 2016. Our Moonchild, Spirit de la Lune was born. This oracle deck had been planted in my heart for over a decade as I struggled to find an oracle or tarot deck that captured the Moon in all her phases. SO I decided to create her. We have sold thousands of decks all over the world helping people Tune to the Moon and now we make Moon planners as well! I won best author of an oracle deck in 2017 from the World Tarot Association. I am humbled and honored to be on this path and where it has lead me and Rachael and there is still more to come!
But as I focused most of my energy into Spirit de la Lune, there was an energy shift with Moondaughter and the Mystic School I taught. I started feeling disconnected and feeling as if I had outgrown those teachings that I taught for so many years. I was molding into something else, but I was so resistant to it! I am not one to “quit” or “give up” on something I have worked so long and hard for. But the more I resisted this shift and change, the more I began to doubt myself, doubt my intuition, and doubt my magick… was I not a good teacher? What would happen to Moondaughter if I stopped my teachings? Why am I so burnt out? I must be letting my students down. What is wrong with me? What is Moondaughter?
I started to sink into depression and all these thoughts and judgement’s (from myself) started to weigh me down. People stopped signing up for my courses, and this just validated that I was not good enough. Moondaughter was not good enough anymore. I kept thinking about my “glory days” with Moondaughter and how fun and amazing it used to me…where did I go wrong? So I stopped sharing my passions and this is what I call my Hermit phase. The Hermit card in Tarot can really sum up this chapter in my life. This includes the shadow and light of the Hermit… the full spectrum.
I knew I needed to look within, I knew what I had to do, but I felt isolated, depressed, unworthy, so I just kept resisting and working against the currents.
And then a blessing happened… I conceived in January of 2018 and my pregnancy began. I felt the flow of life rush through me and I LOVED being pregnant. I felt sexy, beautiful, I felt like the Empress card - fertile, in bloom, abundant. Being initiated into Motherhood has been the best and hardest thing that has ever happened to me.
On October 19, 2018 under a Libra Sun and Pisces Moon, my beautiful daughter Autumn Rose was born. Motherhood began. And my postpartum journey began as well.
Postpartum was not so easy. I have posted about it here and here, but when that beautiful flow of hormones just STOPS. It’s intense. I felt thrown to the wolves… the Tower was crumbling down on me… I had such an easy breezy pregnancy so I think I just assumed that flow would continue. I was way wrong.
Luckily, my postpartum depression did not last long, I still have anxiety that pops up when I feel overwhelmed and stressed, but I know it is all just a phase and things will shift again as they always do.
Motherhood has renewed my spirit, but also made 2 things very clear to me:
Number one, it has connected me back to my purpose… my why… why I am Moondaughter and what I am called to share and do. Something I had lost and forgotten for so long.
And number two, my time and energy are super valuable and important to me now. They should have been all along, but birthing and caring for another human being really puts things into perspective.
Hanged Man & Temperance
So I finally stopped resisting… I didn’t quit, or give up, but I let go of the Mystic School. It was time to begin in a new direction. I surrendered to the currents that I had been resisting for so long. I had kept pulling the Hanged Man and Temperance cards for so long, and now I know why. I finally surrendered and I am being tempered by Goddess, the Cosmos, the Moon once again, I am allowing myself to be open once again.
On the Spring Equinox, with my daughter, I buried our placenta in my doula’s lush garden under her apple tree. This was so symbolic to me on so many levels. Letting go of my Maiden phase… saying yes to the Mother phase I am in now, letting go of old beliefs and planting more dreams for the future. With honor reverence and devotion.
These pictures were taken by my beautiful doula, Gabriella of Sacred Origins.
I have come full circle… A whole new World and chapter awaits and is being created daily.
So here I am. Starting from square one. Feeling like a beginner, feeling like the Fool again. Excited, giddy, nervous, and terrified. But ready.
Let’s make some Magick
Let’s say yes to ourselves
Let’s live cosmically
Let’s listen to our intuition
Let’s honor every phase that has brought us here together
Let the magick begin
Love and Blessings,