This is the 9th article in my newest series, Saturn Return. These posts are from amazing souls who have gone through theirs (or are still in their Saturn Return) and are sharing their stories to help us prepare and reflect on the powerful effects the planet Saturn has on our lives. What is your Saturn Return? This is the best explanation I have found.
KV from Aquarius Nation also made this amazing free episode about the Saturn Return on her Earth Walk Podcast. So so powerful!
So grab a cup of coffee or tea and stay awhile. Let your soul be immersed in these stories and be open to what you need to hear.
:: Sadie Rose ::
Before you read my story, I would like to thank Marissa for the opportunity to be a part of this series. What began as an assignment on Saturn return ended up being a therapeutic writing session on one of the most transformative years of my life. Until now, I hadn’t written about it, despite knowing I should. Oh, and like many women my age, my Saturn is in Libra. Here’s to balance and the brutal pursuit of personal justice:
At 29, I was years deep into a committed relationship with a man I loved dearly. That year, we decided to move out to the country together to fulfill our homesteading dreams and to begin living happily ever after. Right before the move (in the thick of winter), as we were gathering our resources to move, I was struck down by a powerful illness. As a strong and healthy individual, this was unusual. After 4 days of a high fever and shifting in and out of consciousness in my bed, my inner voice spoke up and told me to go get antibiotics because my body couldn’t do this on it’s own (the voice actually said, “you aren’t winning”). I remember clearly the fear that gripped me when I realized how sick I was and how high my fever had been running during those few days.
To make a long story short, I took the antibiotics, and though the actual sickness went away, I had taken a serious hit. My body was weak and I felt cold all the time…so cold! I had never been so cold in my life. I could not get enough layers on my skin, and when I saw other people in minimal layers, I ached for them, worried that they would feel the deep chill that enveloped me.
With the help of pure magic (and my boyfriend), I managed to move out of my house and help my honey move out of his house. There was a lot of cleaning involved, and the process was physically and psychically taxing. Finally we arrived on the new place out on the land. I’ll feel better soon, I thought. Now I’m done moving. A few months later, spring began to peek her head through the clouds:
Okay, maybe now I’ll feel better, because it’s springtime. Everyone feels better in the springtime, right?
Still, time moved forward and I felt mostly awful. I had no energy and was uninspired – my creative projects floundered. To compound matters, I was hard on myself, criticizing my fatigue and worrying endlessly that I was being a bad mother. I felt unable to connect with my friends, as the clouds that hung around me were fuzzy and hard to talk about. I blamed myself. I needed to snap out of it. And why was I so tired all the time?
Finally summer arrived, big and hot. I was still struggling with energy and direction, and the bright sun and parched red hills made me feel overwhelmed, like I needed to breathe more. I craved rivers and wet moss. In June of that year, I was approaching my 30th birthday, and I dragged myself, against all exhausted odds, to the 30th birthday party of my best friend. She had rented a pool house for the weekend, and the house was teeming with babes in bikinis and platform shoes, beaded earrings and wide-brimmed hats. The drinks were plentiful and the food was fresh. (Yes, it was as good as it sounds).
That weekend, beneath the stars in Napa Valley, I had an experience that brought me back into my body.
Yep. I didn't really know that I’d been out of my body, but something activated my spirit and it came rushing back into me, upward, as though I had buried it deep below me. It nearly moved me to tears. I remembered these things (that I had forgotten): I am bright; I am full of light; I have much to offer the world. And then I realized these things (that I had not wanted to notice): my spirit is unwell; I am not happy right now.
And in that moment, my life changed.
I slept that night under the stars and returned home with a new agenda, new inspiration in my blood. Something was brewing deep in my belly, and when I got home, I took action. I vocalized the fact that I was depressed. This alone was tremendously scary. I was afraid of rejection and scorn, but of course I was met with compassion and support. My friends wrapped me in their wings, and I took myself to my Naturopath and told her my story. It turns out that my respiratory illness those 8 months before had triggered adrenal burnout and I had been suffering from the effects ever since. The adrenal fatigue, combined with other elements in my heart and spirit, had been wearing on me and I was exhausted and I was depressed. It was sad and it was scary. However, leaving my doctor’s office that afternoon, I felt elated. Someone could help me! She gave me medicine! She could treat my adrenals! This meant it wasn’t all up to me and I didn’t have to do it all on my own.
I’ve called this piece “The Awakening.” I view that night under the stars as the moment of awakening, when the information was delivered to me and I remembered my spirit. This moment encouraged me to seek help and to find medicine for my physical body, and, as you might imagine, this was only half the battle. I knew now I would have to face the worst part of the work I needed to do: I needed to leave my relationship. Though I fought this for a long time, the truth sat deep inside of me and radiated a slow and steady light. I went through a period of total sadness and grief as I slowly, begrudgingly let go of my happily-ever-after dreams. I said goodbye to my visions of marriage, of forever, and I let go of my illusion of complete and total safety. I was being called back to my own path, the one I came here on and the one to which I needed to return, alone.
Of course, I am condensing this story immensely here. This whole chapter spanned the distance of about 14 months, and a lot of it was grueling, tear-filled, and terrifying. The man I loved was no longer part of my destiny, and it was a hard reality to swallow. We did the best we could. We worked really hard and we broke through a hundred walls; we were reborn over and over again and now I know exactly what it means when someone says “the only way out is through.”
In the end, I left my relationship, against all odds. I moved with my son to our own little cottage in the woods, surrounded by fruit trees (and, as fortune would have it, a few guardian angels). My road to recovery was not swift, but it was also not terribly slow. I treated my adrenals with diet, exercise, and botanical medicine. With time, they healed. I learned many lessons in listening to my intuition, being honest with myself, and in asking for help. I learned that friends will always be friends, but they will be superheroes when you humble yourself, let the tears come, and speak your truth and ask for assistance.
I learned that I am very, very strong.
I learned that The Awakening comes hand-in-hand with the darkness, the death. (It is truly darkest before the dawn).
It is my hope in telling this story that it will shed light for any or many of you going through a similar process of your own. May this story help you navigate your own Saturn return and give you faith that the breaking down of your familiar structures is only part of the path to your higher self and your true happiness. I wish you many blessings on your own transformation. I promise you will come out the other side, and you will love what you see.
Sadie Rose is a writer, designer, stylist and vintage clothier. After graduating from the University of Oregon in 2004, she spent several years in Portland, Oregon, connecting with the creative heartbeat of her generation.
She now lives in Northern California where she works with a large network of other women to produce art and beauty through creative design and collaboration. Through her styling and consulting, Sadie Rose weaves the rich history and fine craftsmanship of vintage textiles into modern stories of femininity and fashion.
When she is not making things, designing things, styling things, or thinking about doing these things, she enjoys reading excellent novels, drinking tea, and sitting in the sun. Above all, her greatest pastime (and accomplishment) is watching her 9-year-old son reveal to her the great mysteries of the universe.
More in the Series
** click on their images to read their stories **