Saturn Return: Knee Deep in the Muck
This is the 4th article in my newest series, Saturn Return. These posts are from amazing souls who have gone through theirs (or are still in their Saturn Return) and are sharing their stories to help us prepare and reflect on the powerful effects the planet Saturn has on our lives. What is your Saturn Return? This is the best explanation I have found.
Ah yes. The return of Saturn. I always said it wouldn't happen to me. I watched my friends all go through it, and I just knew that I had already done this work, figured this stuff out. I would be the first one who had outsmarted Saturn!
But there I was, half-way through my 26th spin around the sun and I began to feel the growing pains. I'm a Scorpio Sun with a Saturn in Scorpio as well, needless to say it's a bit charged.
Since I'm still in it, it is hard to have much perspective on it, all I can offer is what it feels like in this moment, still knee deep in the muck.
I started off the return party with a BANG! I wildly left my job where I had been working for 3 years and believed that something more in alignment would catch me...and it did--eventually--I just had to fall for a bit. This brave jump led me into a downward spiral from which I am only just beginning to recover. My body broke down--I was in and out of sickness for a year. I found myself to be more broke than I'd ever been in my life, which is saying a lot, considering I'd moved out on my own when I was 19 and things had never been all that prosperous. I took jobs that I knew weren't going to make me happy and quit them for that very reason, only to get the same job in a different costume a week later.
Apparently I was a glutton for punishment. In an effort to save money, my boyfriend and I moved out of our small house with a beautiful garden into a tiny apartment in a terrible part of town. My once beautiful vegetable gardens were replaced by trash and spray paint. It broke my heart daily. I could hear myself talking most days and it's as if my reactions were (sometimes still are) spasms and regurgitations of old programming throughout my lifetime. The difference between when this all began and where I am now is that now I can actually identify when it's happening, take a breath, apologize and try to say it again.
My catch phrase became, "eh, what's the point?" Not in a depressing, I'm going to end it all kind of way, but in a "what is it that I'm really doing here...what is this all for anyway?" kind of way. I cried most certainly every day. Most times inexplicably. I am talking gut-wrenching sobs, the kind where your insides hurt and your outsides are all blurry.
I stopped recognizing my reflection in the mirror--I was a light, I was happy--but it was no where to be found in my reflection in the mirror.
I often contemplated giving up everything I have been working for the past 9 years and moving to a house off the grid and away from everything. Sometimes this feeling still bubbles up, since I am still dealing with Saturn's Reaper, it's hard to say if this isn't just a true element of mine that is beginning to get whittled out of the woodwork or if it is just a dramatic reaction to the things I am experiencing daily.
This really isn't to say that these past few years have been all bad, because they most certainly haven't. There's definitely been spots of sunshine in the middle of all of the storms. I got married to my best friend in November of last year. I am fortunate enough to have a partner who is beyond this time in his life. He patiently sits while I have my tantrums, and helps guide me to my more authentic answers and responses.
I am learning. It is slow going, but every day I am closer to being on the other side of this.
It's similar to having growth spurts as a kid....feeling that deep ache in your bones. But then somehow, one day it's over you can stand taller, more grounded, stronger and more authentically in your skin (and you can finally fit into those awesome big-girl pants you've been hanging onto). From my wedding an unexpected business opened up for my art, we moved out of the ghetto and into a beautiful apartment back near nature. The friendships that survived this storm have deepened and blossomed into a beautiful tribe.
In October I will be 29 and I'm looking forward to the last lessons this little planet has in store for me...
Lulu Brud is an actress, storyteller and weaver of dreams. She finds inspiration for her work in the sacred geometry of nature, and the powers steeped deep within all the elemental things that nature offers us- from the lunar cycle, to feathers, crystals, and beyond. She is married to a sweet Wildthing who reminds her constantly that all things good are wild and free. She believes in magic and howling at the moon, the freedom of a sweaty dance party, and the power of good glass of whiskey.
More in the Series
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