Saturn Return: Returning to Me
This is the 2nd article in my newest series, Saturn Return. These posts are from amazing souls who have gone through theirs and are sharing their stories to help us prepare and reflect on the powerful effects the planet Saturn has on our lives. What is your Saturn Return? This is the best explanation I have found.
House of Saturn: 1st House
First before I go into my story, I just want to say that when I was in my Saturn Return, I had never heard of the term Saturn Return, had no clue what was happening to me and was just very unaware in general. So I just want you to know that if you are reading this and are approaching your Saturn Return, or in the midst of it, you are so many steps ahead! Just having that wisdom will be of some comfort in a very confusing time. Also, its temporary....whew!!!
Ok, I'm going to give a little background so hopefully this will paint a better picture. All of my life I have been a "not rock the boat" type of person. I always wanted everyone to be happy and never wanted to be a burden to anyone. So often, I stuffed my feelings away and put on a smile. I grew up in a very tumultuous home and I just wanted to be the easy one in the family, the one that never had any problems and just stayed under the radar. This type of coping mechanism proved to be very effective in keeping myself calm because I could stay out of the line of fire when things got hectic in my household. There was alcoholism, a lot of angry fighting, drug problems and just an all around tense vibe. Everyone was always upset with each other but I learned to stay on my parents good side by never causing trouble, staying quiet and being agreeable always. Needless to say, as a young adult, I had no clue who I was.
Things started to calm down and sober up in my family when I was around 11 which was a relief. But I had a confusing road ahead of me to figure out who I was and to feel my feelings. Fast forward to age 25. I decided to move to Florida from Michigan with my boyfriend at the time. Around this time, I had started to feel like he probably wasn't the one for me. I started to have this new desire to have a deep, meaningful connection with my significant other. Also around this time, I was getting into spiritual literature and searching for the meaning of life and how to feel more fulfilled. I started to contemplate breaking it off with my boyfriend but was terrified to do so. I began to pray constantly about it. "Dear God, please show me what to do. If I am to break up with him, please give me the strength to do it. Please show me what to do." It was a Saturday afternoon and my mom called me and was asking me when we were getting married. I said, "Mom, I doubt we are getting married, he is not right for me." I got off the phone with her and went to get my hair trimmed. I pull into the strip mall and go into the Great Clips. I sit down in the waiting area and hear a male hair dresser talking to his client about football and other "guy stuff". He finishes up with him and calls me over to his chair. "Ok what are we doing today?", he asks. "Just about a half inch off please."
These is the only words I said to this man before he just started relaying messages to me from angels.
I have no idea how he knew I would be open to hearing what he had to say. He started by basically explaining me as a person and my personality to a tee. And it was all just hitting home and I started to tear up a little. It was everything I wanted to be recognized as but felt no one could see me. It all happened so fast and I was so moved that I didn't even speak, I was stunned. Lu was his name. He was Native American and had a picture of his dad on his mirror in full Native American attire, headdress and all. He told me his dad was a medicine man and he had taught him how to communicate with spirit. I could see Lu in the mirror, standing behind me, looking like he was listening to someone and then relaying a message to me. He then says, "So you've been thinking about marriage huh?" I said, "Yeah, how did you know?" He said, "I know you talked to your mom today about it. I just want to say this: Not with this one. He doesn't see you. He doesn't know who you are and can't appreciate you. You will meet someone who truly sees you, who truly knows you and appreciates you but it's not this one." I was pretty much bawling my eyes out at this point. Who has an impromptu reading with angels at Great Clips of all places?! Well after that my boyfriend and I got into (another) fight and I broke it off with him right then and there, with confidence and never looked back. Since the reading, I had no fear of breaking it off. I felt like I was on cloud 9. There is someone looking out for me! I am so connected to spirit, the universe, god, whatever! I felt invincible! I remember feeling like nothing could knock me from my spiritual high.
Well that didn't last long as my Saturn Return was right around the corner.
Now I am about 26 and living in Florida all by myself. The world is my oyster! How exciting! And terrifying! I was really excited to start dating. I felt so positive and that this person who would really see me was ready to meet me and I was happy to go out and find him. Well, let me tell you..... not the case! But I found a lot of other characters to date. My friends loved hearing my dating horror stories, especially the guy who snorted cocaine right in front of me the first time we hung out. Without going into detail, I started to feel my spiritual bubble burst and I was starting to feel shaky and afraid. Nothing was turning out how I expected and I felt like I had no power to change it. I started to eat to fill this lonely void I had. I gained 20 lbs in a very short time and I literally could not stop myself from eating. If I could have made myself throw up, I would have. I tried! I felt so out of control and did not understand what was happening to me or why I couldn't stop. I had never had any sort of eating disorder before this. Of course I didn't tell anyone and just hoped it would end. I ended up meeting a guy who was normal enough and had enough things in the categories I was looking for so why not just fall into a relationship with him? I was sick of being alone at this point. A year plus of dating duds was enough for me. Meeting him periodically soothed my lonely heart and my eating returned to normal. However, I still had not learned who I was and was unconsciously trying to find someone to complete me, make me feel safe and love me. I tried to force this relationship so hard core. I even tried to convince him to buy a house with me (in hopes we'd end up getting married). Thankfully that fell through. I tried to make this person love me more than he did. I tried to get that deep connection that I desperately wanted from him but he wasn't open for it. I didn't understand it and I felt so rejected. Constantly. I didn't stop trying though and we kept fighting and I kept feeling alone. One night after feeling completely emotionally rejected by him, we laid in bed together and he fell asleep within minutes. I remember laying there, feeling SO alone while laying next to someone that supposedly loved me. I couldn't understand why he didn't love me how I wanted and why I couldn't get this deep feeling of love and connection I so desperately wanted. I felt I had no control over my life. I started to feel so much fear. It consumed my body. My hands were sweating, my heart pounding, my body tingling, my breathing getting faster. I couldn't make it stop. I woke him up and told him I thought I was having a panic attack. He told me he had to get up early for work and maybe I should just try to take some deep breaths and he rolled over. That rejection stabbed through my heart with such intensity. Why doesn't he care about me? I am all alone! No one can help me. I'm doomed. All of these emotions were flooding in. I felt so lost.
After that night, I started to have panic attacks more frequently. Mostly at night when I would try to sleep. I had never experienced insomnia before this time in my life. It was terrifying. My heart felt like it was going to burst, I wanted to jump out of my own skin. I was so ashamed of myself for having this problem. I didn't tell anyone about it. Everyone viewed me as the calm person, the one who never worried, the one who always had the advice, someone who was logical and relaxed. I couldn't even tell my mom or my best friend who I had panic attacks next to but was too embarrassed to ask for help. I was always trying to hide my feelings and was still doing it. I let it go too long and it just got worse. It was getting hard to cope anymore, I felt like a walking electrical current. Not knowing where else to go, I went to my physician who put me on medication. This made my anxiety worse because how could I of all people go on medication?! I was the one who never had any problems! How could this be happening to me? Now I couldn't eat and was losing weight at a very fast pace. My pants literally hung off my body. I was even more embarrassed and ashamed. People were constantly asking me if I was ok and why am I suddenly so frail. I decided to get therapy to try to understand this. After trying out a few therapists, I found an amazing woman who changed my life.
She let me know I was not crazy and nothing was wrong with me but my body was trying to tell me something. I had been ignoring myself, my needs, my inner life and going outward constantly, trying to get love, validation, safety, etc from someone other than myself.
She was very spiritual and introduced me to so many tools to cope with my anxiety and to better understand myself. We went through my childhood, healing my inner child, working with my relationship with my parents. I started to understand why all of these things were happening in my life and this was a big relief. To have reasons and to know that I do have the power to make changes was such a soothing idea. I was determined to understand this and in turn, understand myself. It was one of the biggest blessings in disguise.
After some time, I went off the medication. I went to therapy for about 4 or 5 years with her and also got into meditation groups, yoga, womens groups, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, etc. I was opened up to a whole new world of healing modalities. I went from feeling out of control, like there was no one or no thing that could help me, to having all this new knowledge and wisdom. I felt powerful being able to say all of my deepest and darkest fears out loud and to be heard and reassured. I learned that my feelings ARE important and that I don't have to hide them to be loved or to not be abandoned. I learned that even if I am "abandoned", I know who I am now and I trust in myself to take care of myself. I now FEEL things and intensely! So that is the good and the bad and I wouldn't have it any other way. Life is much richer, deeper and meaningful after going through that. It woke me up and got me in touch with me! And most importantly, I formed a relationship with myself. I now love my light side and my shadow side. I love myself for going on that journey and this journey continues on. The lists of things that changed and evolved after my Saturn Return is so long. My inner life is so much healthier, stronger and happier than before. I still deal with anxiety a little but not in that lost, terrified way anymore. And I'm not ashamed of it anymore. I am actually proud of it in a way because it is what woke me up and I'm happy to be awake and no longer unaware of my true self. I was asleep at the wheel before my Saturn Return and now, almost 10 years later, it just keeps getting better.
If there was something I would have wanted to know going into my Saturn Return, it would be that there is a purpose to the pain, the confusion and the madness of a Saturn Return.
Have faith that you will come out of it more enlightened, stronger and wise! It will all be worth it and will make sense some day. And that it is normal and common to go through dark and confusing times around this age. Do not be ashamed of your shadow, all it needs is your unconditional love and your attention. Love the shit out of yourself, all of your flaws, fears, fuck ups, mistakes, insecurities, not good enough's, all of it. Love it, don't hide it and be proud of all of it. No matter what. That is what will make you whole. I would encourage going to groups, getting a spiritual advisor, using EFT, getting acupuncture, body work, energy work (a practitioner or Donna Edens books), breathing techniques, yoga, Chinese herbs or supplements, massage, eating well, listening to your inner being, loving your inner being, the light and the dark, there really are so many healing modalities out there! Just being able to share your story and your feelings and find others going through similar things is very helpful. Do anything to help sooth yourself and make yourself feel loved during this rocky road. It really is worth the ride!
P.S. I did eventually find the guy who really does see me and value me and we have that deep connection like I have always wanted. But I had to find it in myself first. The universe didn't let me skip that step! It was definitely worth the work to get here and the wait!
Katie Elderkin // Star Native