I don't share a lot of photos of my home because honestly, I am a little embarrassed and possibly a little ashamed. I am embarrassed I cannot afford my own place, even living with my boyfriend. When I was younger I always thought by the time I was 25 I would have everything set. How naive I was. I am turning 27 soon and have no idea when everything will be 'set', or if it ever will be. I guess that's why it is called growing up and we never stop do we?
When I chose Nest as my word for 2013 I was apprehensive about it. Nesting, or homemaking, is something I am uncomfortable thinking about. I have never felt truly home anywhere, and never really pictured myself to be a wife or mother. And now I feel all these shifts within about my long held perceptions. I can see myself being those things and it's just scary. I am starting to think about a real home I can sink my roots and I have no idea how to process it all. I feel this ache within to live in a sanctuary that can support my dreams and it feels so far away, I can cry right now.
So I daydream about having more than one room. I long for lots of windows pouring in natural light soaking and drenching my soul. I dream about owning nice kitchen utensils and plates that won't be broken by anyone but me. I want a small house with lots of character. My roots want to be in the red deserts of Arizona. I want a place I can be happy to share with friends and family.
And then I remember to be grateful.
I am grateful I get to live with my love and go to sleep with him every night.
I am grateful we are able to keep our sweet little boys Indy and Theo.
I am grateful utilities are included.
I am grateful are room is large enough to be a small studio.
I am grateful we have a yard the boys can roam around in.
And I am grateful I can live on my own, as hard as it can be.
I needed this little reminder today.