My Deepest Dark
I am about to share something very very sensitive that leaves me extremely vulnerable. I pray you can give me your love and trust to communicate in this safe space like you all have before. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that.
I actually was very set on never sharing this with my readers, yet it is so etched into me and has molded me into the shape I am today. And I want this blog to reflect all sides of me, light and dark. I know most people only see my light, but my dark is important too. I know this can be a very taboo subject, and I may lose readers because of it, but I feel I need to share this with you all for my own healing, and maybe it will help other women to feel not so alone as well.
Today marks the 8 year anniversary of my abortion. It is my deepest dark. My heart has layers of scar tissue. My body remembers every year and I become heavy and numb. My womb feels empty. Each year it gets easier and a little lighter, but I never forget.
I was 18. I just moved down to Southern California for college. I was going through a rebellious stage against my over-protective father. I had secretly been dating a Marine for months before I moved, whom my father disapproved of (and for good reason). I created elaborate schemes to see him before he moved to Okinawa. By the time I moved down south he had been deployed but they quickly moved him to Yuma AZ. So naturally I went to visit him any chance I got. Was it worth it? I can't say it was.
He was very emotionally abusive. One minute he loved me, the next I disgusted him. He loved that I was a "good girl", but hated how free-spirited I was. I shrank when I was around him. I lost all control, but to do what pleased him. He gave me a ring to wear, but didn't propose (thank the universe!). Before I had met him, I began to blossom and started to come into my unique Maiden energy, but it actually took years for this to happen again after we broke up. I became dismissive and little around him because that is what he liked. He would comment on my stretch marks. When we would fall asleep at the hotel rooms, I would roll over afraid to endure the emptiest and loneliest darkness I had ever felt. And I let this all happen to me willingly.
I knew I was pregnant before I took the test. I just knew and I became numb. I didn't know what to do. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. I was struggling with school because I had missed so much of it to see him, I didn't feel ready - I could barely care for myself, and in my deepest of hearts I knew I could not survive with this Marine a part of my life.
My survival instinct took over, maybe even my crone. I became extremely calm and collected working with Kaiser to help me through this. The only time I almost broke down was when I was being comforted by the sweetest nurse and doctor. Years later the same doctor treated me for a kidney infection, he patted my hand and his eyes were so gentle and compassionate. We both had a moment of understanding and acknowledgement. He had remembered my young scared face. He touched me deeply.
At first the Marine was accepting of my choice, but he was also very mercurial and bitter. He would then taunt me with haunting words, " Our baby... oh wait, you're getting rid of it," until he finally pushed me overboard with, "Get rid of the kid so I can completely forget about you." I finally let go of his toxicity and broke free from him then and there. I tried to chew him out as best as I could through instant messenger (our main form of communication away from each other because I didn't have a cell phone for a while). But I had finally stood up for myself and that was enough. Later I had found out he had been cheating on me and had multiple online women. It really didn't surprise me, and I was over it by then to even care.
This left me alone. I had only been down here for a couple months, so I was not too close to anyone yet. I was too afraid to tell my dad because I did not want to feel his retribution and maybe he would disown me (years later I confided in him and he was so compassionate and full of tears for my pain and loss, maybe I should have given him a chance). I had made acquaintances through school and the closest girl I could confide in stopped being my friend because of my choice. Ironically, the only person I could confide in was my own mother whom I had no relationship with. She has never really been a part of my life, but she knew what I was going through and we became closer for a time.
Though I was numb about the choice I made and appeared fine to the outside world, I was disgusted with myself. I loathed myself for being in this position in the first place. I took this very seriously and with my own mother issues from childhood it magnified all my demons I had ran away from. I believed I was unfit to be a mother and that privilege was taken away from me.
November 6th, 2005 a girl from theater took me to the place for my operation. She took me in with no judgments, just love and kindness. I regret the way I treated her afterward, I avoided her at all cost, mostly because seeing her reminded me of that day and of my guilt and shame. She did not deserve that and I wish I could thank her for truly helping me. When it was done and we were leaving, a little old lady with rosaries came to the car window telling me to repent, and seeing how groggy I was, she handed me the cheap little rosary saying, "God help you child."
I felt shunned and deeply hurt, yet I could not show it because I was the bad guy right? I did not deserve kindness because of what I had done. It was my fault. Self-hate became my number one priority. If I punished myself it would make it better. Because of this warped mentality I suffered from depression and PTSD (post-traumatic-stress-disorder) for several years after. Those were my darkest years. I seemed so happy to the public but inside I was twisted and my roots were gnarled with thorns.
Quickly after, I found my next boyfriend. I needed to lean on him, I became heavily codependent on him. The poor guy. He probably thought I was crazy, but he stuck around for quite a while. The first time I cried and broke down was in late December when I told him what had happened a week before I had met him. Him and his family are devoted Christians, and I was terrified to tell him my darkest sin. How could he love me? How could God love me? But my shadow needed to be in the light, I could not carry these emotions forever, and I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I finally let myself feel the emotions that had become frozen in my heart. My soul felt torn apart and I finally let myself mourn this tragedy in my life.
The next few years kind of blur together. I didn't realize how this trauma would affect my body, my hormones, my emotions. I was mentally unstable, yet I hid it so well. I became detached from my body and my feminine essence. I didn't try to help myself for a long time because I felt I didn't deserve it, but eventually time softened the blow and the wounds healed layer by layer.
Honestly, time was my main healer since I wouldn't help myself as I should have. I am grateful for the time with my ex boyfriend and his family. They introduced me to a spiritually led life which ushered in more healing for my broken soul. My spirit opened to the Divine and I found my own spiritual path. The book, Me Before We by Christine Arylo, changed my life and opened me to self-love and healthier relationships. I slowly retrieved the lost pieces of my soul one by one.
I never sought support groups, though I probably should have. And I do encourage women to do so. I finally learned now, that I did not have to isolate myself, I didn't have to carry this wound alone. I halfheartedly went to a therapist but did not address my abortion. I still felt deep shame for years and years after.
Maybe I am making this too much of a thing, or I should have just let it go by now, but I am a very sensitive and empathetic person. This tragedy was my undoing. I vowed I would never do it again and I haven't, but I am also at a very different place in my life now. I am with my very loving, kind beloved man and I know we would be fine if I got pregnant. We would start our family earlier than we thought we would, but we would be happy. His love for me, his compassion and patience has accelerated my healing tenfold. And when we adopted our two little kitties I didn't know I could have the capacity to love them like my own. I can now say I want to be a mother, I can and will be a mother, and a great one in fact. Before Jimmy, I would never dare utter those words or thoughts.
If you made it down this far, I appreciate you taking the time to read my story. This is my experience. This is how I became connected to the moon, her healing energies, and tapping into the divine feminine essence. I needed to, my soul starved for it. It has been the greatest teacher of my life. If any of you have been through this, or a tragedy that has shattered your soul, please know you are not alone. Don't isolate yourself. Let your shadow be seen in the light. You will be surprised by the compassion and love that is there for you if you allow yourself to receive it. Seek the love and support you need, you deserve it always.
I am not here to judge or disrespect anyone. This is just my story of my deepest dark. And this is a part of my healing.
I want to thank everyone who has helped me on this healing journey - this dark night of the soul. Even when or if I pushed you away, please know you helped heal my soul.
Thank you for your love and support,