My Word of the Year for 2014 was Abundance.... and I have felt extremely abundant all year. Moondaughter bloomed and is growing so much, my love and I moved into our own place, I have collaborated with so many amazing and artistic souls. My heart feels so full going in to 2015.
Abundance has taught me to trust the flow of life and energy. I shouldn't be afraid of lack. I have never lacked anything in my life... only what my ego wants me to think. When I have had (or just wanted) to make bigger purchases, immediately after I would have the same or almost the same amount come back in.
I will continue to trust this flow for the rest of my days.
Despite this flow, internally I am ebbing. I have felt really quiet all season long. Not sad, or angry, just reclusive and hidden away. I've realized I like quiet and like being alone. A lot of times I'll sit at home for hours doing this or that with no music, no movie in the background. Just quiet. And for a while my mind becomes quiet too. Thinking about it now, I could EASILY become a quiet, hermit, cat lady if it wasn't for Jimmy and my friends reminding me to connect!
This quiet time has led me down paths of reflection though. And this soul-deep yearning within me has become louder and louder for months now.
I haven't told too many people about this, and I want to keep it to myself still, but I found my spiritual teacher last summer. I have known her for many lifetimes I know. And since she has been guiding me this past year, this yearning in my heart has began to reawaken. And has brought me to my Word of the Year for 2015.
I keep asking myself, what does Devotion look like to me? And I honestly cannot say.
The one thing I can say I have been completely devoted to is Moondaughter. And these past few months I have felt wiped out.
But what if I put Devotion into my body? My spirit?
Into my family? My friends? My tribe?
What if I put the same intensity and devotion as I have with Moondaughter, into the present moment? Into everything I do?
Maybe I would go crazy, or maybe I would touch the Divine in someway.
My mentor was explaining my birth chart to me in a way that blew my mind, and pointed out to me I have a shit ton of Scorpio in my chart and basically in one section. She said I have this intense yearning to merge with everything, touch the sacred in everything. Go way deeper than what people are normally comfortable with. And the fact that all the planets, except for one asteroid, were in the sky in the northern hemisphere witnessing my birth, means I want complete illumination and for everyone on earth to witness it, is yet another goal my soul wants to accomplish this lifetime.
My jaw dropped, I got tingles, and she hit this yearning I've had spot on the head. She articulated what my soul feels and yearns for perfectly.
As much as I yearn for this merging and sacred union with everything, I am completely afraid of it. Why must I want be so vulnerable? What must my soul be so intense? No wonder I like complete silence.
Well fuck it. I am tired of half-assing everything else in my life.
I don't want to zone out in conversations anymore. (Sorry Jimmy, you are not boring, I promise!)
I don't want to workout one day and quit the next.
I'm over being too lazy to cook, so I'll eat some candy instead.
I want to deepen my friendships... I don't want to hold my tribe at arms length.
I am tired of not trusting.
I am over this heavy burden of worry and anxiety on my shoulders.
I want to be D E V O T E D to my life.
I saw this quote from Mary Poppins the other day and it is exactly how I feel in this moment:
"Winds in the East, mist coming in, like something is brewing and 'bout to begin. Can't put my finger on what lies in store, but I feel what's to happen all happened before..."
I do feel the mist coming into my soul. And within this mist who knows what I'll find, but I am devoted to find it.